Never, Never Prayer

I don’t know how many times I’ve used this prayer.
Probably more times then I care to think about, never mind being honest about it.
What I never even knew was that’s what I was doing when I was using it.
As far back as I can think it was there.
Being told to wake up – it’s time for school. Rolling over and pulling the sheets over my head, to hoping my Mom didn’t come back in – she did and it turned out worse than the first time.
Should’ve gotten up on time looking back now and seeing that small young man saying, “When I grow up I’ll never have to do this again”, and when I got older that’s just what I did.
I stopped, never looking back. ‘Til I came in to the program and started to change.
Not finishing school was just one of the beginnings that was a long train of wreckage in my life.
Being late for work and having my boss tell me – “One more time, we start at 6:30 around here. Don’t be late again.”
I can still see me saying, “Absolutely, never, never again.”
Well, I lost that job too – but it wasn’t because of me. They just didn’t see the bigger picture that was my life.
But you know they did – trying to help me, and I shut the door on their faces.
You’ll never see me again – boasting as I walked out the door.
I can’t even tell you how many times I swore that I’d never get high any more, never having any fronted to me, never get behind the wheel to go home from the bar that was two streets from my home.
Didn’t I say that I could just walk.
Never seeing the look on my mom’s face as she stood in the door – looking out at me. Thinking – “Would you just go back in. You’re embarrassing me.”
As I would get into my friend’s car looking for more.
Before she passed away she told me that she prayed to God that – and get this – the never, never prayer.
Please may I never get that phone call she told me.
I know today that that prayer doesn’t have to be said by someone like me in the halls of recovery.
People often tell me that they have used this type of prayer, too.
There are those that I worked with that don’t even know about me, that I hear them saying those same never prayers.
Telling their bosses that they’ll never be late.
Saying to co-workers could’ya just tell them I stayed ‘til 4:00, and I have to laugh at myself – cause truly there I am – staring right back at myself.
Seeing my friends come in on Monday – late and looking like I did – and all I can say is “Never, never again. Please God,” and go about my day. Hoping for the best.
I’ve been in the program now for over ten years and mom’s been gone almost ten years, too. I can still see her lying in bed as we talked about life – having her tell me, no, saying to me “Never have I been so proud of you.”
Seeing now that that prayer isn’t always used to getting me out of trouble.
Seeing it used with faith today.
I hope to God that I never lose sight of that.
Just one of the lessons I’ve learned and still try to apply when my defects pop up.
Never taking this disease for granted.
Seeing too many folks just giving up.
May I never get to that point where the pain is so great that I won’t want to use that prayer. We all have our bottoms – we all have our way of saying our prayers – and I know I have a lot of yets’.
But it’s the agains’ that bring me to my knees.
Asking God’s help.
For the strength with my Never, Never Prayer…