Never, Never Prayer

I don’t know how many times I’ve used this prayer.
Probably more times then I care to think about, never mind being honest about it.
What I never even knew was that’s what I was doing when I was using it.
As far back as I can think it was there.
Being told to wake up – it’s time for school. Rolling over and pulling the sheets over my head, to hoping my Mom didn’t come back in – she did and it turned out worse than the first time.
Should’ve gotten up on time looking back now and seeing that small young man saying, “When I grow up I’ll never have to do this again”, and when I got older that’s just what I did.
I stopped, never looking back. ‘Til I came in to the program and started to change.
Not finishing school was just one of the beginnings that was a long train of wreckage in my life.
Being late for work and having my boss tell me – “One more time, we start at 6:30 around here. Don’t be late again.”
I can still see me saying, “Absolutely, never, never again.”
Well, I lost that job too – but it wasn’t because of me. They just didn’t see the bigger picture that was my life.
But you know they did – trying to help me, and I shut the door on their faces.
You’ll never see me again – boasting as I walked out the door.
I can’t even tell you how many times I swore that I’d never get high any more, never having any fronted to me, never get behind the wheel to go home from the bar that was two streets from my home.
Didn’t I say that I could just walk.
Never seeing the look on my mom’s face as she stood in the door – looking out at me. Thinking – “Would you just go back in. You’re embarrassing me.”
As I would get into my friend’s car looking for more.
Before she passed away she told me that she prayed to God that – and get this – the never, never prayer.
Please may I never get that phone call she told me.
I know today that that prayer doesn’t have to be said by someone like me in the halls of recovery.
People often tell me that they have used this type of prayer, too.
There are those that I worked with that don’t even know about me, that I hear them saying those same never prayers.
Telling their bosses that they’ll never be late.
Saying to co-workers could’ya just tell them I stayed ‘til 4:00, and I have to laugh at myself – cause truly there I am – staring right back at myself.
Seeing my friends come in on Monday – late and looking like I did – and all I can say is “Never, never again. Please God,” and go about my day. Hoping for the best.
I’ve been in the program now for over ten years and mom’s been gone almost ten years, too. I can still see her lying in bed as we talked about life – having her tell me, no, saying to me “Never have I been so proud of you.”
Seeing now that that prayer isn’t always used to getting me out of trouble.
Seeing it used with faith today.
I hope to God that I never lose sight of that.
Just one of the lessons I’ve learned and still try to apply when my defects pop up.
Never taking this disease for granted.
Seeing too many folks just giving up.
May I never get to that point where the pain is so great that I won’t want to use that prayer. We all have our bottoms – we all have our way of saying our prayers – and I know I have a lot of yets’.
But it’s the agains’ that bring me to my knees.
Asking God’s help.
For the strength with my Never, Never Prayer…

Apples and Ostriches

It’s as plan as that – these two completely different things – it seems I’m completely drawn to.
I mean really – when I first heard the saying, “The apple didn’t fall far from the tree.” I thought that they were giving me a compliment as I was bringing the pitcher of beer over to the table that Dad and I were sitting at. Not even looking for trouble when my Dad told the guys around the bar – here he is, boys – just like me, the old man.
Feeling embarrassed on being put on the spot – hiding my head – better yet, my feelings.
So they don’t think less of me.
When I know even then that I was no mere drinker.
Something about wanting more than what was on the table.
Isn’t that why I got up to fetch the beer in the first place.
Feeling less than the people I was with always made me run from confrontation – any confrontations, even when I was with – oh, I don’t know – say, everybody.
When someone said something I didn’t like or disagreed with – I would turn away or hide my head.
There were only a few times I’d speak up, for the most part I hid my head like that ostrich. Hoping that it would just go away.
When I start ignoring the things I have to do – placing my head in the sand or taking someone else’s inventory, pointing out their apple. Life seems so much harder.
Half measures – hell, I wasn’t doing even that.
When I was drinking a lot of things didn’t happen due to me hiding my head or just looking the other way.
Keep low as I would put it. Not sticking my head out there.
Why draw attention to me and my using. Heck, I know how bad I was – well some, I didn’t need you to tell me.
Years later I’m in recovery, and left to my own I can still hide my head in the sand – not taking chances or putting myself out there for change.
Even to look at all of me, good or bad.
The things that stand out most about these two are that I’m just like them in certain circumstances.
In the program we hear about the apple on our heads – or don’t put your head in the sand. Like the ostrich I can – at times – not look at myself.
Not having that faith at times to walk through what life has given me at that moment and that’s just it, it’s a moment.
A moment that will pass.
Avoiding it doesn’t help or make it go away. It’s what I used to do.
Hide, run.
Just someone make it go away, I’d say.
The farther I stuck my head in the sand – the more the problem seemed to get big. ‘Til I take my head out and look – really look at the situation or problem.
Learning to have faith, when there is none.
It’s not going away when I put my hands up to my face to cover my eyes saying la la la. It’s not happening, it’s not happening.
I’ve spent too much time wasted in my using past doing this.
But here in the fellowship I’ve learned that we don’t have to hide our heads in the sand – like that ostrich.
Then there’s the apple.
The one I can see on everybody else’s head but mine.
You can see mine – I can see yours, kind of weird don’t’cha think?
But it’s there nevertheless.
That apple.
I’d like to think that my apple is nice and shiny, full of life. But just looking back at my life, at a young age – heck, even as I’m writing this down now the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
I don’t have to be carrying a pitcher of beer back to the table to start looking at others wrongly. Picking them apart just so I could feel better. Hell, the time I get back to really looking at myself my apple is pointed out by my friends that it’s grown into an orchard.
See how, “They live not living to let live,” to the point of things in my life just start slipping away from me.
I’ve been shown that there is the program and the fellowship. Two very different things. The more I stick around the more I hear, “Live in the solution and not the problem.” “Learn to live with it or let it go.” Oh, and one of my favorites, “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right.”
With the help of the program I can take care of my apple and learn to leave others alone. The same can be said for the fellowship, where this is the place I can learn that I don’t have to hide my head in the sand.
Take some action, either doing the next right thing, having healthier boundaries, cleaning up the wreckage of my past with those creditors.
Life’s going to happen regardless if I have my head in the sand or looking at others and not staying on my side of the street.
All I can do is really just work on me and keep a look out for those hiccups on this road of changes I’d like to call Apples and Ostriches…