I thought I knew
Long ago before I even came into the halls of recovery
I thought that my life was somewhat okay.
Way before I had that first drink.
There were times that I did know some things.
I knew how to do the simple things.
Like eat, get dressed and even tie my own shoes.
But most of these I had to learn.
Being shown by my parents or my older brother.
As I grew a little bit older, I started doing these things on my own.
But there were other things that I slowly started to pick up.
Like the habit of lying.
Playing one parent against one another.
The fine art of getting what I wanted, when I wanted.
All these behaviors that I thought were very individual, just to me.
Time passed – I found alcohol – that should’ve been the end of the story.
But it wasn’t.
Just the beginning of more things that I would pick up along the way of my using.
More time passed – I had had enough.
Enough of living in the way that I was.
The lying, cheating and manipulating people to get what I needed.
It just didn’t work anymore.
Coming into a program of recovery and still holding on to some, if not most of my
so-called individual habits.
Being mad that it was over.
Feeling relief in hearing that I was not alone.
Learning that I didn’t know – but that I could learn.
Going from the, “Ya buts.” To the, “I know.” Back to, “Ya but if.”
To later saying, “ I didn’t know.”
Hearing that there was hope.
Learning a new way of living and being willing to change.
Picking up new things to help me stay sober and happy.
To clean house.
A higher power.
How not to drink one day at time and being okay with me today.
Laughing at myself.
Time passed some more – Today, right now. I can look back in light of this and laugh at the things I would say to my sponsor like,
“If you only knew?”
My sponsor would look at me and shake his head,
‘til I’d stop and say,
“I thought I knew…”