I thought I knew

 

 

Long ago before I even came into the halls of recovery

I thought that my life was somewhat okay.

Way before I had that first drink.

There were times that I did know some things.

I knew how to do the simple things.

Like eat, get dressed and even tie my own shoes.

But most of these I had to learn.

Being shown by my parents or my older brother.

As I grew a little bit older, I started doing these things on my own.

But there were other things that I slowly started to pick up.

Like the habit of lying.

Playing one parent against one another.

The fine art of getting what I wanted, when I wanted.

All these behaviors that I thought were very individual, just to me.

Time passed – I found alcohol – that should’ve been the end of the story.

But it wasn’t.

Just the beginning of more things that I would pick up along the way of my using.

More time passed – I had had enough.

Enough of living in the way that I was.

The lying, cheating and manipulating people to get what I needed.

It just didn’t work anymore.

Coming into a program of recovery and still holding on to some, if not most of my

so-called individual habits.

Being mad that it was over.

Feeling relief in hearing that I was not alone.

Learning that I didn’t know – but that I could learn.

Going from the, “Ya buts.” To the, “I know.”  Back to, “Ya but if.”

To later saying, “ I didn’t know.”

Hearing that there was hope.

Learning a new way of living and being willing to change.

Picking up new things to help me stay sober and happy.

To clean house.

Letting go.

A higher power.

How not to drink one day at time and being okay with me today.

Laughing at myself.

Time passed some more – Today, right now. I can look back in light of this and laugh at the things I would say to my sponsor like,

“If you only knew?”

My sponsor would look at me and shake his head,

‘til I’d stop and say,

“I thought I knew…”