Fishing in the …

Fishing in the Soup Bowl

Get a grip, someone told me once when I started telling my side of the story.
Still talking to that half way point ‘til my brain catches up to what was said to me.
Mouth hanging open. Think – did they just tell me to get a grip.
What the heck was that .
Where did that come from.
I mean I know where – the person right in front of me, but the comment – get a grip.
Seeing the last 24 hours, hell, the last week playing over and over in my mind like some screwed up projector playing one of those films that always skipped that I remembered from school.
The ones like “The salmon swim up stream to mate, overcoming great obstacles – including death” or “When you hear the sirens – fall under your desk with your hands over your head”. Yah, that would stop the blast.
But get a grip.
I’m hanging here by the seat of my pants and all they can tell me is get a grip.
Yah – that’s what I said, oh, and breathe.
“What?”
“Breathe.”
You’ve been holding your breath.
“I have.”
“God. I have haven’t I?”
When I was talking to them I was explaining how in the beginning I was looking for the easy way out, telling them when I started fishing in the soup bowl of life I’m bound to end up with something I’d rather not.
Every time I said something to my sponsor he would give me a suggestion and I would say to him sure, then go find someone I could explain myself to – cause obviously he didn’t understand what I was saying.
Every time I start looking for something in life – new car – new job, even a new hair cut – I always found something different.
It seemed I always fished something else out of the soup bowl.
My father was a cook – so I heard many times how too many hands in the broth could spoil the stew.
Never really paying too much attention to that, even when I came into the program.
‘Til I started down this journey of recovery. Always going to too many people for the answer that I should’ve taken by my sponsor in the first place.
But that’s not how it worked out for me. I’m not the poster boy for the program. I’ll leave that up to the ones that seem to like the lime light.
For me it was like every time I’d go out to get, I don’t know, say a belt, I’d walk out with a job.
Going out to get my hair cut and being in a twelve car pileup and a fancy new leg brace to boot.
Always something different than what I was fishing for.
Just the other day I was with some friends and one of them asked when did I know that I was powerless over my alcohol. Oh, that’s easy I told them.
When the path of destruction I left behind started to catch up to me.
We all laughed at that. You know this is the only place that I’ve known that when we share about how bad our lives were we all pretty much nod or smile.
Sometimes laughing at some of the worst things I’ve ever heard while out there – using. Sometimes bad things happen – not a lot of people nodded or smiled, some – well, most were horrified that I would even be talking about it.
Let alone be laughing at it.
To them I was the oddity.
To the folks in the Halls of Recovery – I was just another clown on the bus.
Even in sobriety I have found that I still can go fishing in the soup. Throwing my line out – seeing the bobber go up and down – thinking I’ll get a nice chunk of meat when I would pull out a soggy piece of carrot.
When I’m not taking my sponsors’ advice and I’m looking for that out – the easier, softer way at the time. Going to two or three different people fishing for that answer that I wanted right along. That’s when I was in trouble.
The soup has many flavors and many ingredients, too.
You’ll think I’d know by now not to go looking – but just let it happen.
God’s time – not mine.
Well, it’s easy to say the words, but to put them into practice is another thing entirely. How often did I set out in doing something and always looking for the result that was going to be – just what I wanted.
How often did I set up the game board of life  – to make sure I would win.
Always fishing.
When I think of all the times I spent on making me look good. The results were just the same. People will always judge by actions, not intentions.
As soon as that came around for me, things started to get better.
As long as I stopped Fishing in the Soup Bowl…  
                       

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One comment on “Fishing in the …

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