Category Archives: drinking

My Father’s H…

My Father’s Hands

This thought came to me when I was sitting down next to my father in the hospital.
Dad was in again due to his breathing or lack of.
He had asked me to trim his fingernails for him.
As I was trimming them I saw for the first time just how old his hands looked.
All the wrinkles of time, to all the age spots showing.
I couldn’t get over just how old my dad had become while lying in this hospital bed.
Looking at my own hands and seeing how they’re shaping up now.
The small traces of lines forming from time – the age spots slowly being seen.
As I held my father’s hands it came to me all the things his hands had held throughout these years.
From holding my grandmother’s hand to his horse Major’s reins to the simple thing as a cup of water to his lips.
There is history in all our hands.
From tying our first shoe laces to that first button down shirt.
I started to see the past of my father within those hands.
He would tell me about the farm he grew up on.
Those hands moved dirt and tools to farm with.
Off to war so people like me can live with freedom freely.
From holding his mother’s hands to his first date.
To his wife as they started their life together.
Holding on to my brothers; then to me in the end.
His hands have felt the touch of so many things in life – that looking at them now made me realize how my life or better yet – just what my hands have touched so far in life.
My father told me once that you could tell a lot about someone with just their handshake.
To look someone in the eyes when shaking their hand meant something at one point.
That deals were done upon their word and a handshake.
How much we placed upon that.
When I started my journey in recovery who knew all the things that my hands would touch.
All those handshakes at meetings.
From being welcomed in.
To the one welcoming people in.
To see people bound with just that simple handshake.
You can see the friendships starting up that will last one day at a time.
How easily we can forget to hold on to those hands when we think it’s going too bad.
Looking down at my own hands again and seeing my father’s hands looking back.
Maybe not as much has touched them like my father’s – but God willing they’ll get there.
Trying not to forget that it all started with me holding on to that drink, thinking that my life should be so much better if only “they” would leave me alone.
Never realizing that my life was unmanageable because of that drink.
How much money passed between these hands to pay for the things that ended up destroying my life in the end.
Finishing up trimming my dad’s’ fingernails and really seeing for the first time just where my life was going today.
To knowing just what my hands touch on a daily basis.
The handshakes that greet us to the handshakes that bind us in life.
Being responsible in what my hands hold onto throughout today. Working on my fathers’ nails was just another God shot in how I interact with all my affairs today.
Being mindful of where I’ve been, to now.
As I let go of My Fathers’ Hands…

“Prides Bride…

“Prides Bride”

Pride leads the procession down the aisle.
Leading the way that rules Prides life.
Looking down at the end was Prides Bride.
So, so beautiful. So bright. So mine.
As Pride gets closer – passing the pews – the smiling faces of, The Wants, The Greed’s, and the Mores.
Taking that deep breath and fluffing out those peacock feathers so all could see.
“This is intoxicating,” Pride thinks.
“What excellence. What creature on this big green world wouldn’t want to be in Prides shoes?” He thinks to himself.
As Pride comes ever so closer to his Bride.
How proud Pride is knowing that this is it – this one next step – bring Pride standing side by side to the Bride.
“Why wont Pride look at me?” The Bride thinks.
“Isn’t my self esteem good enough?”
I see all these eyes upon us and that look of, “They so want to be me stare.”
Good the Bride thinks.
“Let them have their eyes of wants and greed.
Those eyes of fear and more.
They could’ve been here but I beat you all.”
Lifting their heads up to hearing.
“We are gathered here today, to see these two join together, a union unlike any other.
A beginning of a life full of unending causes.”
As the crowds of eyes stand watching the happy couple parade back down the aisle. “Look at them all.” Pride thinks.
“So full of want and greed.
So full of fear and more.
Good I‘ll take them all.”
As Pride looks on.
“Why wont Pride look at me?”
“Even those of the crowd evade their eyes from me, what’s so wrong with me?
Haven’t I given Pride enough?” The Bride thinks.
As they slowly walk down the aisle.
“What do I have to do to show how excellent I am?”
As the Bride takes that last step down, seeing more eyes upon the two of them.
“What do they see?” Pride thinks.
“It’s over, I’ve won.
But I’ll be coming for you someday soon.
Pride always needs more of greed and wants, fear and esteem.
I’m always on the lookout for those quality that make me happy.”
Pride fines those eyes looking upon them and smiles.
As the Bride is taken away.
“What’s happening?” The Bride thinks.
As strong arms surrounds and placed upon the Bride pushing the Bride down in one of the back pew.
“Wasn’t I good enough for Pride?”
Now looking out forward with all the other eyes of, The Wants, The Greed’s, and The Mores.
“Isn’t that Pride walking down the aisle?” The Bride thinks.
“Wasn’t Pride standing just by me?
How did I get here in the back?
Who’s that standing where I was?
What’s has happened to me?
Didn’t I have enough?”
Pride leads the procession down the aisle.
Leading the way that rules Prides life.
Looking down at the end of the aisle is Prides new Bride.
So, so beautiful. So bright. So mine.
“Look at them all looking at me. With their eyes of wants and greed.
Those eyes of fears and more.
I’ve given everything up to be here and more.
It’s my turn now.” The new Bride thinks.
As the new Bride takes Prides hand thinking.
“Why wont Pride look at me?”
Smiling to Prides self thinking.
“So, so beautiful. So bright. So mine.”
Having the Bride say, “I do.”
“To all the eyes.
It’s mine turn to be Prides Bride…”